1 00:00:10,089 --> 00:00:11,950 Yes, it's the Benny Hill show. 2 00:00:12,370 --> 00:00:14,530 And here we end, so let us go. 3 00:00:14,950 --> 00:00:15,950 Benny Hill! 4 00:00:19,730 --> 00:00:26,610 Now Bianca Malone with 38 stones, she's got eyes like ripples 5 00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:27,610 in the snow. 6 00:00:27,870 --> 00:00:32,590 She comes from St. Pete's, got a big pair of mitts, she could lay John Fonty 7 00:00:32,590 --> 00:00:33,590 with one blow. 8 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:38,920 Now when she plays in the sand, the tide goes out and refuses to come back until 9 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:39,920 she's gone. 10 00:00:39,980 --> 00:00:45,220 One day she bent down to pick up half the crown and we had andy clips on the 11 00:00:45,220 --> 00:00:51,360 soil. Before we went for a stroll, she said, look, there's a bull and that's a 12 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:53,320 cow and that's a sow and that's a boar. 13 00:00:53,540 --> 00:00:57,860 And just look at that, Joe, I said, Bianca, I know. She said, well, what do 14 00:00:57,860 --> 00:00:59,000 want to tread in it for? 15 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:04,580 But by the barn door we knelt down in the straw and she said, Baby, she gave 16 00:01:04,580 --> 00:01:05,539 hand a squeeze. 17 00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:07,320 Would you like a roll in the hay? 18 00:01:07,620 --> 00:01:08,720 And I said, okay. 19 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:11,280 She said, do you want fish paste or cheese? 20 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:17,300 Oh, lovely Bianca. Picked up Bianca like a peach on an apricot tree. 21 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:22,700 I was shot to her tanker and stale toothed Bianca. She thanked her for her 22 00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:23,700 company. 23 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:29,280 Now this big fat girl has got a map of the world tattooed all over her skin. 24 00:01:30,140 --> 00:01:35,660 One day she showed me Japan, the Gulf of Siam. I even had a peek at Pekin. 25 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,040 Now on her left knee was West Germany. 26 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,500 Russia was on her right thigh. 27 00:01:41,860 --> 00:01:47,320 But when I looked and saw my wife at the door, I let the rest of the world move 28 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:48,320 by. 29 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:55,080 Oh, I divorced my wife and I began a new life with Bianca on a honeymoon cruise. 30 00:01:55,760 --> 00:02:00,160 Our waiting night, it was great. I even let her stay up late to listen to the 31 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:01,160 six o 'clock news. 32 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:06,920 Now I am never blue with my queen of tattoo because a happier man could not 33 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:11,780 found. I've got heat in the winter. I've got shade in the summer. And moving 34 00:02:11,780 --> 00:02:13,400 pictures all the year round. 35 00:02:22,010 --> 00:02:28,370 To thank her for marrying me. To thank her for marrying me. 36 00:02:29,090 --> 00:02:31,450 To thank her for marrying me. 37 00:02:33,470 --> 00:02:35,490 To thank her for marrying me. 38 00:02:36,230 --> 00:02:42,470 To thank her for marrying me. 39 00:02:51,690 --> 00:02:54,550 Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the Thumb Annual Awards. 40 00:02:54,790 --> 00:02:59,490 And we're going out right away to get a few of the views of a few of you. 41 00:03:00,810 --> 00:03:05,970 Black and white minstrels, you see. Yes, yes, they have the rhythm, them 42 00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:10,110 darkies. You wouldn't find white people singing and dancing like that because 43 00:03:10,110 --> 00:03:11,610 they don't have the rhythm, you see. 44 00:03:11,870 --> 00:03:12,870 Quest, mate. 45 00:03:12,990 --> 00:03:15,230 Quest. Black and white minstrels. Quest. 46 00:03:15,690 --> 00:03:17,110 Oh, two persons bow down. 47 00:03:17,690 --> 00:03:19,970 I am two persons. I am two persons. 48 00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:23,370 Well, go and chase yourself, you fucking white minstrel. 49 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:27,310 Oh, I like them romantic programmes best. I think they're lovely. 50 00:03:27,650 --> 00:03:31,550 My favourite is that one where that man goes in that car, doesn't he? Races in 51 00:03:31,550 --> 00:03:34,870 that car with that broken bridge, and he's on a motorbike, and he's in a 52 00:03:34,870 --> 00:03:38,990 helicopter, and he swims out of the ship there, you know, just to put that box 53 00:03:38,990 --> 00:03:41,990 of chocolates by the side of that nice lady's bed. You know, totally bad. 54 00:03:42,270 --> 00:03:45,070 He steals away afterwards, ever so quiet, doesn't he, you know? 55 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:50,180 I mean, a lot of men would have woke her up and give her one, but, you know, the 56 00:03:50,180 --> 00:03:52,620 educational ones, you know, ill -acuted. 57 00:03:53,340 --> 00:03:57,780 Square -shaped shoes, so have a good suit. I can't do it. And I 58 00:03:57,780 --> 00:04:04,560 like the medical ones that show you how to kill 99 % of all household germs. 59 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:05,920 Dead. 60 00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:08,760 Couldn't kill them any other way, really. I thought, could you? 61 00:04:09,660 --> 00:04:10,880 For me, 62 00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,420 there's only one man on there. 63 00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,210 Independent. 64 00:04:15,810 --> 00:04:17,250 That boy got courage. 65 00:04:17,550 --> 00:04:18,870 You know what happened last week? 66 00:04:19,610 --> 00:04:20,769 Dennis did that soon. 67 00:04:21,430 --> 00:04:22,990 Go, Mrs. Goosey, show up. 68 00:04:23,490 --> 00:04:25,750 Steal bag of two shillings of pan cherries. 69 00:04:26,190 --> 00:04:29,170 What for a shlammy? Two shillings of pan cherries? 70 00:04:30,190 --> 00:04:33,550 Ernest, the policeman, he come along. He says, who said steal the cherries? 71 00:04:33,950 --> 00:04:35,510 Dennis did that soon. Don't say nothing. 72 00:04:36,390 --> 00:04:37,610 But little man, independent. 73 00:04:37,850 --> 00:04:40,630 He says, Mr. Policeman, I must steal the cherries. 74 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:45,120 He own up to it. Don't do it, but he own up to it. I tell you that the boy got 75 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,120 courage. 76 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,480 Crossroads and crossroads, but they're puppets. I'm a talk about people. 77 00:04:57,220 --> 00:05:00,900 Well, now, we're just as excited as you are to find out who's won the best 78 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:04,820 acting performance of the year, and the nominations are between Patrick McNee, 79 00:05:04,980 --> 00:05:08,300 Noel Gordon, and Tiddles the Wondercastle. 80 00:05:11,670 --> 00:05:16,030 Tiddles the... No, it's Patrick McNee for his performance in The New Avengers. 81 00:05:26,170 --> 00:05:27,170 Hello? 82 00:05:28,990 --> 00:05:30,550 Brown owl here. 83 00:05:31,350 --> 00:05:33,470 No, not brown ale. Brown owl. 84 00:05:34,790 --> 00:05:36,350 Is that the black fox? 85 00:05:37,590 --> 00:05:39,170 Is that you, BF? 86 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,150 Yes, well, this is... 87 00:05:42,220 --> 00:05:43,220 B .O. 88 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,900 And of course I know Moscow, where the Kremlin live. 89 00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:50,080 Union of Soviet and Sociable Republics. 90 00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:54,700 And I've met Ivan Katastrof, yes. Met him at the Peking Hilton. 91 00:05:55,260 --> 00:05:56,260 Yes, 92 00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:58,700 he's ginger, isn't he? 93 00:05:59,140 --> 00:06:00,180 With blonde hair. 94 00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:01,980 What, a dagger? 95 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:03,760 Oh, he poisoned her. 96 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,820 Only when you said he gave her arsenic, I thought, yes, well, I'm sorry. 97 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,160 I'd better get over there right away. There ain't case to talk. 98 00:06:13,679 --> 00:06:17,160 Three gallstones and an ingrown toenail. 99 00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,860 Three varicose veins and a gumboil. 100 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:24,360 A pair of needles and a pair of hernias. Just a minute, Purdy. Just a moment. 101 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,100 Four enemas takes the pot. 102 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,360 It's a royal flush, you know. 103 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,060 What have I got? 104 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:36,760 You've got multiple fractures, dear. I want a second opinion. 105 00:06:37,140 --> 00:06:39,460 I'll say it again, then. You've got multiple fractures. 106 00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:43,740 Good Lord, this girl's got a dressing table -shaped kidney. 107 00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,100 You what? 108 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:47,919 What's that? 109 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:51,280 Carrying a copy of the palaces and wearing a very low -cut blouse? 110 00:06:51,860 --> 00:06:53,540 This might be worth looking into. 111 00:08:04,010 --> 00:08:06,110 Have you read Shakespeare's As You Like It? 112 00:08:06,390 --> 00:08:08,490 No, but I've read Flannel where I need it. 113 00:08:09,610 --> 00:08:12,570 You can kiss a young girl if you are witty and slick. 114 00:08:12,950 --> 00:08:15,230 You can kiss a duck's tail, but you have to be quick. 115 00:08:17,590 --> 00:08:19,530 Only a fool goes to Istanbul. 116 00:08:19,910 --> 00:08:22,030 It is decadent, wicked, and sinful. 117 00:08:22,330 --> 00:08:25,290 But it's better than here, because they sell their beer like bananas at 118 00:08:25,290 --> 00:08:26,290 Fortnum's Skinful. 119 00:08:27,350 --> 00:08:29,510 The sun may kiss the mountain pass. 120 00:08:29,830 --> 00:08:31,590 The morning dew may kiss the grass. 121 00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,000 The ruby lips may kiss the glass. 122 00:08:35,299 --> 00:08:42,280 But you, my friend, may kiss my ass. Are you a professional? 123 00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:44,800 No, I just sing to kill time. 124 00:08:45,420 --> 00:08:46,900 You have a wonderful weapon. 125 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,360 Somebody's been talking about it. 126 00:08:50,180 --> 00:08:53,120 So, you're one of us. Did you think I was one of them? 127 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:54,960 No, I thought you were one of those. 128 00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:56,300 Thank you very much. 129 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:59,980 Yes, the complete NATO disarmament plan. 130 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,940 The Russian disarmament plan. 131 00:09:03,220 --> 00:09:04,620 Aren't you afraid of prowls? 132 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:06,900 Praise Pahundo the Prowl! 133 00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:09,720 I say, you said that without moving your lips. 134 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,980 It's pouring with rain. 135 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:51,860 Male Personality of the Year is 136 00:09:51,860 --> 00:09:56,160 Magnus Magnusson for his show Mastermind. 137 00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:12,820 Simply buttocks. 138 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:17,320 Buttocks. 139 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,960 It's neither one thing nor the other. 140 00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:31,060 You are married and you have 15 children and your hobby is? 141 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:32,280 Flying my kite. 142 00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:39,100 And you've chosen as your subject the arts, is that right? 143 00:10:39,380 --> 00:10:41,020 Yes. Don't get cocky, it's not a question. 144 00:10:42,890 --> 00:10:47,230 Write quotations. There are those who long for immortality who don't know what 145 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:49,010 to do on a wet Sunday afternoon. 146 00:10:50,030 --> 00:10:53,650 If God had meant us to fly, he would have given us tickets. 147 00:10:56,070 --> 00:10:59,930 Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. 148 00:11:04,550 --> 00:11:06,770 Who made those brilliant remarks? 149 00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:08,390 I don't know. I did. 150 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,120 You weren't listening, were you? You should have known it was me when I said 151 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:15,120 they were brilliant. 152 00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:21,400 Victor Herbert, for his song, The Dream of Thalmoy, was paid $2 ,000. 153 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:25,960 What did he say when he put his hand in his pocket and realized it had gone? 154 00:11:26,540 --> 00:11:29,380 I don't feel very well. 155 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,860 No, he said, I don't feel too grand. 156 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:44,360 The next question is geographical. Is it possible for you to walk from Istanbul 157 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:45,360 to Bangkok? 158 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,140 No. Why not? 159 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,400 I've got a short foot. 160 00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:59,460 The answer is yes. You can make the entire journey without once passing 161 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:00,980 Not with my kidney. 162 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:05,060 The next question is in two parts. 163 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,400 What happened in 1756? 164 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,420 Mozart was born. 165 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,360 And in 1776? 166 00:12:12,780 --> 00:12:14,220 Mozart was 20 years old. 167 00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:20,540 No, he heard his first symphony played in public. 168 00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:24,620 Halfway through, he burst into tears. How did he view the world afterward? 169 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,660 Optimistically. No, misty -optically. 170 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:31,520 Don't get clever with me. 171 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,180 How would you like your head? One lump or two? 172 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,680 A man has five children. 173 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,440 Half of them are boys. Is that possible? 174 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,320 No. Yes, the other half are also boys. 175 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:56,500 This aboriginal painting from down under, can you name it? 176 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,380 My bodge, light bulb. 177 00:12:58,740 --> 00:13:01,760 No, powwow's lady looking for the soap. 178 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:13,480 Where does the expression, Le composition de cela est pure, tellement 179 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:18,940 from? Victor Hugo's Less Miserable. No, the label of this jar of French mustard. 180 00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:27,600 It is a slang word, geographical location, and name of a book. It is the 181 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,480 Khyber... Pass. 182 00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:30,900 What a pity. 183 00:13:33,050 --> 00:13:35,930 but you have the lowest score ever recorded on Mastermind. 184 00:13:36,270 --> 00:13:39,950 You may have a mind, but you haven't mastered it. Good night. 185 00:13:42,630 --> 00:13:46,650 Here to announce the Critics' Award is Demis Rousseau. 186 00:13:47,070 --> 00:13:51,930 Lovely to look at, delightful to have, and heaven to give. 187 00:13:52,810 --> 00:13:58,750 And now, the Critics' Award goes to I, Claudia. 188 00:13:59,110 --> 00:14:00,530 Thank you very much, Demis. 189 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,560 swine if he don't hurry up. Where are you? 190 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:24,540 I'm on the throne room. 191 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,080 I'm having a shave. 192 00:14:31,140 --> 00:14:33,340 And a shampoo. 193 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,060 And a sharpie long. 194 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,660 Wish I had a red hot poker. 195 00:14:40,620 --> 00:14:42,260 I'd stick the cold end in his ear. 196 00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:45,880 Or he wouldn't half burn his hand trying to get it out. 197 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,540 Are you sure we're doing the right thing, Qantas? 198 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,540 Mother, he's not fit to rule Rome and he won't abdicate. 199 00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:58,100 Poison's the only way. 200 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,940 Oh, that's better. 201 00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:08,220 Hail, Claudius. 202 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,380 How went the invasion of Britain? 203 00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:12,220 They're like savages. 204 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,440 They all live in them. 205 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,360 Animal skin is worse than thine, dear. 206 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,120 Hail, Qantas. 207 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:29,560 And not only that, they had helmets on their heads with great big horns 208 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:33,580 out the side. And when we seen them, we didn't know whether to fight them or 209 00:15:33,580 --> 00:15:34,620 milk them. 210 00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:38,240 We found out eventually. 211 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:42,380 I brought back a lovely little boy for my dog. 212 00:15:45,710 --> 00:15:49,670 Our Warren Texas brought back plenty of Christians to throw to the lions in the 213 00:15:49,670 --> 00:15:52,590 arena. Oh, don't say that. 214 00:15:52,890 --> 00:15:54,630 He don't like it. 215 00:15:54,850 --> 00:15:57,670 He went last week, didn't you, dear? 216 00:15:57,930 --> 00:16:03,030 Yes, I did, madam. I'm sorry. I did, madam. I thought it was cruel. I cried 217 00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:05,850 while there was a great big lion there and he didn't have a Christian. 218 00:16:09,030 --> 00:16:11,310 I do wish you would stand there. 219 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,120 sets me off. 220 00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:26,260 You'd like to find her waiting for you in your bedchamber, wouldn't you? Come 221 00:16:26,260 --> 00:16:27,260 on. 222 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:31,840 No, no, I wouldn't, because the apothecary said I wasn't to make love to 223 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,680 except my wife. He said I wasn't to get excited. 224 00:16:37,860 --> 00:16:40,900 It's hard enough keeping up with her. 225 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:44,780 I mean, she keeps on saying that I'm being unfaithful to her just because 226 00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:46,040 of our kids look like me. 227 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,280 Honestly. 228 00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:57,660 Thank you. Well, round the mouth and round the gums. Look out, stomach. 229 00:16:59,660 --> 00:17:03,280 Sorry, Martha. I'll have that one. Thank you. 230 00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:05,619 A bite to eat, dear Richard. 231 00:17:06,099 --> 00:17:11,359 Well, I don't know. Did you, um... Then 232 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:14,020 I will, yeah. 233 00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:20,200 I'll have a pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee 234 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,160 pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee pee 235 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,160 pee pee pee 236 00:17:51,490 --> 00:17:54,850 responsible. There must be some other way. 237 00:17:55,470 --> 00:17:58,310 Son, have you ever thought it so hard? 238 00:17:59,310 --> 00:18:03,670 I wouldn't like to commit suicide, Mother. I don't think I'd like that. 239 00:18:04,130 --> 00:18:07,510 How do you know you wouldn't like it if you haven't tried it? 240 00:18:08,570 --> 00:18:13,670 Alice and Claudia, Mummy and I don't feel you're equipped to rule Rome. 241 00:18:14,230 --> 00:18:16,850 Caesar! The slave is here for sentence! 242 00:18:18,739 --> 00:18:22,460 You think I'm a quip, don't you, Mother? 243 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,380 And you'll find out. 244 00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:31,100 Slave, before you die, you can make one last statement. 245 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:35,680 If you speak the truth, you will be hanged. And if you tell a lie, you will 246 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,600 thrown to the crocodiles. 247 00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:43,760 Aye, I'm going to be thrown to the crocodiles. 248 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:54,520 Commit suicide. 249 00:18:54,740 --> 00:18:55,659 Eat this. 250 00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:56,660 Drink this. 251 00:18:56,700 --> 00:19:02,220 You do it your way, and I'll do it mine. 252 00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:03,500 Mine. Mine. 253 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:04,840 Well, 254 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:15,320 ladies and gentlemen, that, I'm afraid, is it. With the party here going along 255 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,580 till the early hours of the morning, and everybody enjoying themselves, 256 00:19:18,820 --> 00:19:22,380 including, of course, our lovely page three girls, from us all... 257 00:19:24,010 --> 00:19:26,110 I bid you all a very good night. Bye -bye. 258 00:19:26,390 --> 00:19:27,510 All right, everybody. 259 00:19:28,390 --> 00:19:34,170 If your friend should ask you how much you paid for the tin of chimpy dog food, 260 00:19:34,450 --> 00:19:36,350 you tell her to pee off. 261 00:19:39,890 --> 00:19:42,910 You tell her to pee off. 262 00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:48,150 Are you sure she's a National Theater player? 263 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:05,780 Woman, if you can talk to God, ask him if 264 00:20:05,780 --> 00:20:09,680 sometime I'm going to adore you, I'm going to worship 265 00:20:12,060 --> 00:20:13,480 my love, 266 00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:21,360 I wish that my heart owes you to me you have 267 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:25,020 painful, the wounds of your love. 268 00:20:27,980 --> 00:20:33,140 Me searching wherever I go And no I can find you 269 00:20:33,140 --> 00:20:39,820 Why do I want other kisses if your lips don't love me anymore 270 00:20:39,820 --> 00:20:40,820 kiss? 271 00:20:43,060 --> 00:20:48,960 I know my love was not for you 272 00:21:22,419 --> 00:21:24,500 Thank you. 273 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,480 Hey, what are you doing? 274 00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:20,060 You don't know my brother. 275 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,760 You know, you know, you know where you are? 276 00:22:25,140 --> 00:22:26,220 You're not mad. 277 00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:29,300 You are imbecile. 278 00:22:30,580 --> 00:22:31,580 Imbecile. 279 00:22:32,140 --> 00:22:37,620 Imbecile. I -M -B -E -I -L. 280 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:39,380 No S. 281 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,440 He's right, no S. 282 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:48,880 There is no why. 283 00:24:09,580 --> 00:24:10,580 I'm sorry, sir. 284 00:24:11,060 --> 00:24:12,060 I lied. 285 00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:41,660 This one's called Pets. 286 00:24:42,620 --> 00:24:45,000 I call my little pussy Ben. 287 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,920 He's got soft and fluffy fur. 288 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,660 But last week he had kittens. 289 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,600 I now call him Ben Hur. 290 00:24:56,280 --> 00:25:00,620 I said, no more nights out on the tiles because you're a mother now. 291 00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:03,400 You've got to catch food for your babies. 292 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:05,820 And she just said, me? 293 00:25:06,340 --> 00:25:07,340 How? 294 00:25:09,100 --> 00:25:11,880 I got a little goldfish and his name is Pete. 295 00:25:12,140 --> 00:25:16,300 To keep him fit and well, I give him ant's eggs to eat. 296 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,320 But I put too much fluoride in his water. 297 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:24,320 And last week when my gran went to give him his ant's eggs, he bit off her hand. 298 00:25:26,260 --> 00:25:31,320 I got a lovely badger. I call it pretty petal. 299 00:25:31,740 --> 00:25:33,940 I got a water otter too. 300 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:36,660 I call that a kettle. 301 00:25:38,940 --> 00:25:41,280 My emu is a sad old bird. 302 00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:43,840 Can't sing or dance or say a word. 303 00:25:44,100 --> 00:25:46,860 Puts his head in the sand when I sing a tune. 304 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:51,080 And he whistles through the whole of the afternoon. 305 00:25:52,700 --> 00:25:55,020 I've got a little dog. His name is George. 306 00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:57,560 He's a Dachshund, but he's not a dunce. 307 00:25:57,980 --> 00:26:00,780 He's half a dog high and two dogs long. 308 00:26:01,180 --> 00:26:03,300 So all the kids can pat him at once. 309 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:11,000 But my heart gets so sad when the weather is bad, especially when the snow 310 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:15,740 along. And I really could weep when it's four inches deep, because his legs are 311 00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:16,740 three inches long. 312 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,180 It's no wonder he's a cold. It's no wonder he's a cough. 313 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,640 It's a wonder his little paws ain't dropped off. 314 00:26:26,740 --> 00:26:32,000 When the snow started to harden, I played with him in the garden. Then I 315 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,940 because we had fruit and cream for tea. 316 00:26:34,780 --> 00:26:39,580 Next morning I got up and went to see my pup, and I found the poor thing frozen 317 00:26:39,580 --> 00:26:40,580 to a tree. 318 00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:43,160 It's never quite the same after that. 319 00:26:44,540 --> 00:26:48,440 But the man who lives next door to me is the envy of our streets. 320 00:26:48,860 --> 00:26:52,160 He got the nicest pet of all, all cuddly and sweet. 321 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:58,200 She doesn't bite, she doesn't scratch, and anyone can see why he's the envy of 322 00:26:58,200 --> 00:26:59,200 the neighbourhood. 323 00:26:59,300 --> 00:27:01,420 It's because his pet isn't me! 324 00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:22,840 Oh, good evening. 325 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:24,440 Good evening. 326 00:32:25,460 --> 00:32:26,980 It's my first time here. 327 00:32:27,340 --> 00:32:28,340 Oh, don't worry. 328 00:32:28,380 --> 00:32:32,320 You just read off the roller board. Oh, could you... Oh, I see. See? Yes, all 329 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:33,320 right. 330 00:32:33,500 --> 00:32:36,040 Can I just take your glasses off for a moment, please? Be careful, because I'm 331 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:37,040 lost without them. 332 00:32:37,420 --> 00:32:38,420 Oh, 333 00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:44,380 thank God they're all right. 334 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:49,280 So over now to our new political correspondent, Peter Seymour. 335 00:32:50,140 --> 00:32:51,140 Oh, hell. 336 00:32:57,670 --> 00:33:00,770 nationalised the fishing industry, today caught its first herring. 337 00:33:01,390 --> 00:33:02,950 Today caught its first hearing. 338 00:33:04,530 --> 00:33:08,370 Sneaking for the government, speaking for the government, Mr Anthony Whichway 339 00:33:08,370 --> 00:33:14,170 -Benn said what Britain needs is more efficient chips. 340 00:33:15,170 --> 00:33:16,310 More efficient chips! 341 00:33:17,410 --> 00:33:19,430 And I think I am bare -ass. 342 00:33:27,470 --> 00:33:34,150 think I embarrassed Michael Foote when I said in a recent titipolar 343 00:33:34,150 --> 00:33:35,150 -tickle. 344 00:33:35,830 --> 00:33:37,930 Titipolar -tickle? Party political! 345 00:33:39,110 --> 00:33:42,690 To broadcast that this would result in crows pickling on the decks. 346 00:33:45,270 --> 00:33:46,830 Crews picketing at the dock. 347 00:33:47,690 --> 00:33:52,650 He went on to say that he had lived for many years in hell. In hell! 348 00:33:53,550 --> 00:33:55,090 And had a personal fiend. 349 00:33:55,530 --> 00:34:00,450 who was a defective constable, who had assured him that the local police force, 350 00:34:00,910 --> 00:34:05,950 washable soap, was able to cope 351 00:34:05,950 --> 00:34:10,670 in spite of the difficulties of getting stuff. Stuff! 352 00:34:12,370 --> 00:34:19,010 In reply for the opposition, the right horrible Edward Teeth said, it doesn't 353 00:34:19,010 --> 00:34:23,050 matter whether your lavatory, whether your laboratory, 354 00:34:24,500 --> 00:34:25,840 whether you're Labour or Tory. 355 00:34:31,260 --> 00:34:36,980 Nobody wanted to sing, to sing, to sign away his bath night, his birthright, his 356 00:34:36,980 --> 00:34:37,980 birthright. 357 00:34:38,540 --> 00:34:42,659 Mr. Thiel said half the world doesn't know how the other half lives. 358 00:34:46,260 --> 00:34:47,699 Doesn't know how the other half lives. 359 00:34:48,380 --> 00:34:50,260 And that in a jug of saliva. 360 00:34:57,710 --> 00:35:01,370 Where the British government indecently had agents. 361 00:35:03,050 --> 00:35:04,330 Incidentally had agents. 362 00:35:05,390 --> 00:35:10,830 And nationalisation hadn't paid its way for a number of years. He thought about 363 00:35:10,830 --> 00:35:12,030 sex. Sick! 364 00:35:12,930 --> 00:35:14,910 And the same applied to egg white. 365 00:35:15,970 --> 00:35:16,970 Egg wiped? 366 00:35:17,650 --> 00:35:18,650 Egypt! 367 00:35:23,370 --> 00:35:24,910 Mr. Fool said, Mr. 368 00:35:25,170 --> 00:35:26,630 Heath still had a long way to go. 369 00:35:27,890 --> 00:35:29,210 Still had a long way to go. 370 00:35:29,670 --> 00:35:34,330 And Mrs. Thatcher was feeling all our voices, voicing all our feelings, when 371 00:35:34,330 --> 00:35:36,110 said, you've already gone and... 372 00:35:36,110 --> 00:35:43,410 You've 373 00:35:43,410 --> 00:35:44,410 already gone far. 374 00:35:57,070 --> 00:36:01,210 saying, gold nugget, and refunding you to the stewed eels at Tom's Tiddler 375 00:36:01,210 --> 00:36:03,850 Vision. I'm sorry, Mr. Fulton. 376 00:36:10,610 --> 00:36:13,750 Here's that fabulous, awesome reflection. 377 00:36:14,730 --> 00:36:19,730 Your love keeps lifting me, keeps on lifting me, lifting me higher and 378 00:36:20,710 --> 00:36:26,230 Your love keeps lifting me, keeps on lifting me, lifting me higher and 379 00:36:27,500 --> 00:36:31,700 Your love keeps lifting me, keeps on lifting me, lifting me higher. 380 00:38:55,290 --> 00:39:01,990 1984, and Steve Austin, the $6 million man, and Jamie Summers, 381 00:39:02,010 --> 00:39:06,790 bionic woman, come together for the very first time. 382 00:39:44,140 --> 00:39:45,920 Sure you never played around with other guys. 383 00:39:46,340 --> 00:39:47,560 Why, yes, Steve. 384 00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:51,920 Well, how is it you don't have red hair and I don't have red hair, but the kid's 385 00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:52,920 got bright red hair. 386 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:55,620 Well, I think it's on account of our metal parts. 387 00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:57,380 Our metal parts? 388 00:39:58,040 --> 00:39:59,040 That's right. 389 00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:05,040 You know, he's four years old, you know. It's time he learned to talk. 390 00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:12,000 Hey, he does love his chicken soup, though. Hey, let me give it to him, will 391 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:13,320 you? Hi there, little fella. 392 00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:18,320 Gonna have some of Papa's cheeky soupy -soupy. There you go, boy. 393 00:40:18,860 --> 00:40:19,860 Wow. 394 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:22,080 Sheep dip. 395 00:40:23,460 --> 00:40:25,980 Soup. He can talk. 396 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:27,800 Hey, Steve, he can talk. 397 00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:29,820 He can talk. He can talk. 398 00:40:30,300 --> 00:40:32,180 Big deal. 399 00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:36,040 Why did you wait till now to talk? Why didn't you talk before? 400 00:40:36,660 --> 00:40:38,940 Because up to now, the chicken soup's been okay. 401 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:45,200 Amazing. Golly. 402 00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:49,420 Hey, kid, can you read as well? 403 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:51,920 Sure, man. 404 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:53,640 Einstein's Theory of Relativity. 405 00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:56,720 Yeah, I read it. When did you read it? Just then. 406 00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:58,100 I'll tell you something else. 407 00:40:59,020 --> 00:41:00,340 You speak languages? 408 00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:01,800 Sure. French. 409 00:41:02,220 --> 00:41:03,720 Come here. 410 00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:05,880 Well, how do you say, go over there? 411 00:41:06,380 --> 00:41:07,660 I just go over there and I say, 412 00:41:18,350 --> 00:41:19,390 Jamie, you know what we've got? 413 00:41:19,590 --> 00:41:21,890 We have got a bionic baby. 414 00:41:22,750 --> 00:41:23,750 Bionic baby? 415 00:41:24,010 --> 00:41:26,030 Why should the Americano have him? 416 00:41:26,730 --> 00:41:27,730 I did. 417 00:41:27,830 --> 00:41:28,428 I did. 418 00:41:28,430 --> 00:41:31,110 I'll be with you in a very soon moment. 419 00:41:33,770 --> 00:41:37,610 I've been... Peter, what was that you were saying before you spoke? 420 00:41:38,210 --> 00:41:39,390 He's going to get a baby. 421 00:41:39,630 --> 00:41:40,950 We're going to have a baby? 422 00:41:41,310 --> 00:41:43,470 Between you and me, it's going to be very difficult. 423 00:41:43,690 --> 00:41:45,790 Between you and me, it's going to be bloody impossible. 424 00:41:47,730 --> 00:41:48,669 Bionic boy. 425 00:41:48,670 --> 00:41:50,230 A bionic boy. 426 00:41:50,590 --> 00:41:52,370 How are we going to capture him? 427 00:41:52,630 --> 00:41:54,350 Well, now, I've got to do some deep thinking. 428 00:41:54,650 --> 00:41:56,470 I've got to sit and constipate. 429 00:41:57,390 --> 00:41:58,328 I know. 430 00:41:58,330 --> 00:42:01,830 We are going to have him liberated by the mafia. 431 00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:16,520 We have all passed a lot of water under the bridge. 432 00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:19,240 Don't be too contraceptive. 433 00:43:19,980 --> 00:43:21,480 Maybe we should lure him. 434 00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:23,760 Now, what would we use to lure? 435 00:43:24,020 --> 00:43:29,220 Somebody with the body of a little boy and the mind of a middle -aged man. 436 00:43:31,380 --> 00:43:32,380 Hey, 437 00:43:38,940 --> 00:43:41,240 kid, want to come to a party, lots of ice cream? 438 00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:43,240 Lena's never only going to be there. 439 00:43:43,610 --> 00:43:46,590 We're going to get drunk on wine. We're going to have a whale of a time. What do 440 00:43:46,590 --> 00:43:47,590 you think, kid? What do you think? 441 00:43:48,230 --> 00:43:49,230 Absolutely. 442 00:45:22,890 --> 00:45:27,910 would he go? Where would a supersonic, bionic, electronic, transistorized and 443 00:45:27,910 --> 00:45:30,370 computerized boy feel at home? 444 00:45:30,590 --> 00:45:31,650 I don't know. 445 00:45:34,230 --> 00:45:36,210 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 446 00:45:52,899 --> 00:45:53,899 Thank you. 447 00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:55,460 And I know what you're all thinking. 448 00:45:55,900 --> 00:45:58,540 I mean, you see me running around like that all over the place and you say to 449 00:45:58,540 --> 00:45:59,760 yourself, how did he do it? 450 00:46:00,900 --> 00:46:02,140 He must be nearly 40. 451 00:46:04,140 --> 00:46:07,140 Well, ladies and gentlemen, I couldn't do it without the aid of these wonderful 452 00:46:07,140 --> 00:46:10,460 people behind me. They're very kind and they help me. There's no envy, there's 453 00:46:10,460 --> 00:46:14,420 no jealousy in the show. We get along like one very happy family and it's 454 00:46:14,420 --> 00:46:16,980 nice. I'd like to thank them very sincerely for their kindness. 455 00:46:17,380 --> 00:46:18,880 Thank you very much. 456 00:46:19,240 --> 00:46:20,240 Thank you all.